People are jerks

"If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent" (essextee)
01/03/2018 at 17:34 • Filed to: I dont ever do these posts so let me just have this one

I might as well take a vow of celibacy because that would one less thing in my life to be frustrated over. (Personal mini rant)

Don’t you just love it when you’re chatting with someone and you’re hitting it off and they seem to be really into you? And then isn’t it great when it gets to the point where you start fantasizing about being with them and doing couple stuff and then they just stop responding? And then it happens again and again with every single person you try to connect with? It’s just my fucking favorite.

I’m reasonably sure I’m doing nothing wrong to cause this. But no one seems to want to give me a chance, let alone try for something serious. At least have the decency to let me know what you’re looking for. If you aren’t interested say so. Don’t leave me hanging.

DISCUSSION (43)

Captain of the Enterprise > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 17:57

At least your out there trying. I’ve given up at this point. I’m 23 and have never had a relationship. You’ll find someone eventually.

nermal > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 17:58

Kinja'd!!!

The more you try to force something with regards to having relations with another person, the worse it will end up.

Getting rejected is ok, and perfectly natural. Being able to handle rejection gracefully is a valuable life skill, whoever the most recent person was that rejected you will surely not be the last.

Do: Talk to people, strike up conversations, ask people out on dates if it seems right. Constantly work on improving yourself.

Don’t: Be a weirdo, or get mad if somebody won’t talk to you or go out with you.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Captain of the Enterprise
01/03/2018 at 17:59

... I’m 23 and have never had anything more meaningful than a hookup.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > nermal
01/03/2018 at 18:06

I know better than to try to force it, trust me. But as a large gay man living on an island, my dating pool is very very small. Everyone I meet is either taken or only interested in a FWB setup. If I want to have something more it’s gonna take some work on my part.

Captain of the Enterprise > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:09

... I’ve never had a hookup or even a kiss

Svend > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:09

People my age are just assholes.

Fixed it for you.

Just relax and enjoy the ride.

Take things slow, don’t try to run before you can walk.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Captain of the Enterprise
01/03/2018 at 18:11

Sex is great (and don’t get me started on making out!) but at least for me it’s not the be-all and end-all of being with another person. I’m not the sort of person that surrounds themselves with friends, I just need that sort of deep connection with one person to be happy.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Svend
01/03/2018 at 18:13

Have you ever met a 23-year old?

How can I enjoy a ride that hasn’t even been built yet?

Captain of the Enterprise > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:16

Yeah I think that’s what I would want too

Svend > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:18

Yes. That’s why when I was 23, I was more interested in women of 33.

Your 23 year olds are probably different to ours this side of the pond.

Many just want to sleep with as many as possible, go out drinking everynight and generally very happy go lucky (not in a great way).

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Svend
01/03/2018 at 18:21

No that sounds about right. I’ve always been told I was born a 50yo man so that sort of lifestyle doesn’t appeal to me. And everyone I meet that’s of the same mindset seems to be already taken.

interstate366, now In The Industry > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:22

I’ve pretty much given up on dating. I stopped believing in soul mates a few years ago. Now I just want a European trophy wife who wants to travel the world with me.

Svend > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:27

Lol. Oh my god. I remember when I was 14 in school. I was told I was born a 25 year old man.

I’m sorry, I can’t help really.

I’m 38 and pretty much given up looking.

But don’t do what I did.

Being lonely can be soul destroying.

Being single has it’s moments but stay in there mate. I’m not saying lower your expectations but learn from each experience.

Remember, we are always learning.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Captain of the Enterprise
01/03/2018 at 18:28

I do have that connection already with my best friend. There’s no doubt in my mind that were I straight we’d probably be engaged at this point. She’s got life ambitions that I can’t keep up with however and I’m going to get left behind soon. I’m sort of freaking out about having to go back to being alone.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Svend
01/03/2018 at 18:29

I should note that my dating pool is less than 1% of the population.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > interstate366, now In The Industry
01/03/2018 at 18:32

I don’t believe in soulmates either, I think that anyone is capable of forming that sort of bond with anyone. Unfortunately nobody seems to want to try it with me.

StudyStudyStudy > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:33

People are people. Person can be good, but people are generally bad. I’ve been told sometimes it is just advice they are given “if the guy is interested, then they would chase harder, play hard to get” makes it difficult for polite people who don’t want to intrude.

I will say though the “I’m doing nothing wrong” phrase can be a flag. Read a reflection a guy wrote that had this mentality, turned out his good intentions were definitely sending off bad vibes (finding her address, sending flowers to her home, showing up unannounced). Not saying that is the case, but a rejection is always a chance to self reflect, maybe a bit too forward, maybe you told one too many stories that was a bit inapporpriate, or maybe you just didn’t listen.

Granted sometimes you really are not doing anything wrong. In that case get out more and meet new people has been the advice I have been given. Granted this whole post started with people tend to give bad advice so...

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > StudyStudyStudy
01/03/2018 at 18:38

Fuck no that shit’s just creepy.

I admit I’m not the best conversationalist but even when my conversation skills hit a brick wall I try to at least say something that invites a response. If they reciprocate my interest surely they’d try to keep it going?

Svend > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:45

Mine is non existent.

My last relationship was a mother of two who was in a very bad relationship. I allowed my emotions to take over, but found out she’d done it before and just wanted attention, her marriage was just in a lul. Another was someone I really cared for but didn’t care as much for me back. Prior to that was a lass who just wanted to sleep with anyone that gave her a look.

I’d love to find someone I can sit on the sofa and watch TV with and not feel awkward not talking to. You know, when you can sit together quietly and not feel like, ‘oh my god, I haven’t said anything for five minutes, what must she think, I’ve got to say something’. Someone I can show the world to. See in her eyes how I felt the first time I saw them. I gave up.

Don’t do that, stay in there mate, you’ll find someone, just stop looking so hard and let them find you.

interstate366, now In The Industry > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:48

I’m somewhere in between. I think there has to be some factor of compatibility (I’ve met plenty of women that I have absolutely nothing in common with other than one particular interest), but the thought that you’re only capable of forming that bond with one person ever is absurd. Especially since it’s an idea that’s only fairly recently come into existence. My main problem is, quite simply, the women I match best with personality-wise live on the other side of the Atlantic.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Svend
01/03/2018 at 18:50

That’s exactly the sort of bond I want to have with someone. I have it with my best friend but I fear her life’s ambitions are soon to take her out of my life and I’m freaking out about going back to being alone.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > interstate366, now In The Industry
01/03/2018 at 18:52

My matches are already taken or there’s enough of an age difference to be awkward.

interstate366, now In The Industry > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 18:55

Yeah, I know that feeling too.

Svend > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 19:08

The second one I was talking about was lass I worked with. Itold her how I felt and she said she didn’t feel the same way. Saw me as more of a brother than anything else. I grew to know her family and often went out for lunch or drinks with her sister and/or mother. She married a guy from Greenock in Scotland but after a few months the marriage was already on the rocks. One day at her grand mother’s she gave me a hug in the kitchen, after a few minutes she asked me if I still felt the way I did about her. I told her I did but I didn’t want to be the cause of her divorce. If she wanted to be with me, it had to be because she wanted it and not an excuse to leave a marriage. She got her divorce and she went back to her old ways so I called it a day and stopped seeing her and even shut off her family (which I still really miss). She ended up getting pregnant from one of her nights out and wanted to get back in touch with me. I’ve refused.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Svend
01/03/2018 at 19:11

The one person I ever felt I had a shot with got a job offer too good to refuse and is now 1,500 miles away.

Svend > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 19:18

My sympathies mate, I totally empathise with you.

But sometimes not looking so hard will allow others to see you.

Captain of the Enterprise > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 19:21

I’m sorry about that

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Svend
01/03/2018 at 19:22

Part of my problem is I’m geographically separated from everyone else. I have to turn my scope over to the mainland to search, but everyone over there is already surrounded by potential partners who would require much less effort than dating me.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Captain of the Enterprise
01/03/2018 at 19:25

I just can’t see myself being happy if my closest friend is someone I only get to see every 2-3 years, and I don’t want to burden her with knowing I feel this way. It sucks so hard but I don’t want to get in the way of her pursuing what makes her happy.

Svend > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 19:33

Me. I’m socially awkward, I grew up moving around the world so I never learned to really socialise. I live in a city some 50 miles away from the next nearest city. It’s said in the U.K. you can connect yourself with another person via five other people, in Cumbria, it’s three.

So you can’t do anything with everyone knowing.

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 19:40

What pissed me off the most about online dating, were the people who would want to talk for days, or even weeks, before ever meeting. I can only carry a good conversation with a stranger I met on the internet for so god damn long.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 19:44

Yeah... there was an article about this on Jezebel recently:

https://jezebel.com/i-did-everything-you-said-and-im-still-alone-1821345701

Though it was funny to read the comments... where the prevailing attitude is that it’s always men acting shitty. But that’s typical myopic Jezebel for you.

But really when it comes to shitty behaviour like ghosting, there is very little difference between men and women.

I’ve been ghosted... it sucks... and all you can do is move on.

“At least have the decency to let me know what you’re looking for.”

LOL... nice idea. But what I’ve learned over the years is at least half of the people out there don’t know what the fuck they want. And that means they couldn’t tell you what they’re looking for even if their lives depended on it.

Also I know that in at least some cases, the person does know what they want, but is afraid to admit it... such as wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is monogamous with them, but they are still free to have someone on the side. Or they don’t want a boyfriend, they want a Dom. In other cases, they’re looking for a guy with money because they’re basically looking for a sugardaddy.

These are just a few examples that I experienced first hand.

I also believe that in some cases, the ghoster is talking to more than one person and at some point, they decide to go with one person or another... and the person they don’t choose gets ghosted. They’re just fishing for ‘the best deal’.

So why ghost you instead of being upfront? In reality, many people these days aren’t grown up enough mentally to know how to deliver bad news or handle confrontation. It’s easier to just disappear.

I’ve seen some women on Jezebel justifying behaviour like this by saying they do that to avoid getting assaulted and/or killed. But actual assault data refutes that and shows that it’s actually men that are at higher risk of being assaulted when you look at the complete data... including getting assaulted by a friend, ex-boyfriend or family member of a given woman.

And that ties in with another thing I’ve learned... the idea that women are better at communication - it’s a pure myth. The fact of the matter is many MANY people out there, men and women, are TERRIBLE communicators.

In my view, the best approach to dating is to go in with zero expectations, but look at the opportunity to at least have some fun and learning about someone new. If nothing happens, no biggie. If it becomes something more, then it’s a pleasant surprise.

And combine that with the acceptance that there is an element of luck to dating. If you roll the dice enough times, you’ll get the result you want eventually.

And when going on dates, do something that you would enjoy even if you were there by yourself.

For example... I was to meet a woman on a Saturday night who ended up ghosting me. But I arranged to meet her at a bar that was playing the Leafs game and was near a friends house.

So when she didn’t show up, I still enjoyed myself in a place I liked while while watching the hockey game and having a beer. Then after the game was done, I called up the friend, walked to his place and went somewhere else and it was still a good evening.

I’ve also suggested some go-kart racing dates and ‘check out new cafe/restaurant in the area’ dates. ‘Go to the museum or art gallery’ dates are also good.

If you’re not having fun and/or it feels too much like work, then it’s time to take a break until you feel like putting in the effort again.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Svend
01/03/2018 at 19:47

When I was 19, I hit it off with a great woman who was 26.

I initially told her I was 24.

She dumped me when she found out I was 19.

Svend > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
01/03/2018 at 19:48

Ouch. Yes, a man’s age isn’t as easy to hide as a womans.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time
01/03/2018 at 19:48

Same. Whether or not we continue is ultimately dependent on how it goes when we meet face to face so I like to get that over with within a few days. Text doesn’t do a great job of conveying the important qualities about the way someone is. If you keep the back-and-forth going too long you might build the wrong mental image of them and end up disappointed when you do finally meet.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 19:53

One other thing... dating in your early 20s is hard due to demographics.

I’m in my 40s now and let me tell you... it gets easier as you get older.

Why? Because in general, women tend to go for men the same age and older.

What that means is your ‘pool’ of women is basically women your age and a few years younger.

But when you’re 40, the pool is much MUCH bigger... you have women in their 20s, 30s and 40s looking at you.

Conversely, as women get older, it gets harder for them... mainly because they typically STILL want guys who are older and fully functional. Problem is guys don’t live as long as as they age, the ‘plumbing down there’ doesn’t work as well as it used to for many guys.

So if you are 23, take heart... at your age, unless you’re famous, wealthy or wealthy and famous, you have to really work at it... but it WILL get easier as you get into your late 20s... and it’s MUCH easier when you’re 40... assuming you’re unmarried, have your own place, a car and a decent job.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
01/03/2018 at 19:55

...my complaint just so happens to be about men.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
01/03/2018 at 19:58

I’m sure that would be awesome advice were I looking for women.

coqui70 > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 20:03

There’s a poster on Jezebel that’s going through some crap too ... perhaps it’s fate?

https://jezebel.com/i-did-everything-you-said-and-im-still-alone-1821345701

OPPOsaurus WRX > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 20:31

haha i was reading his response and was think lol, he’s in for a surprise. Not that its on the same level, but if one more mother f’er takes a left from the right lane and cuts me off in the process i’m gunna make them disappear.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/03/2018 at 23:57

That’s okay... much of what I said applies to men and women.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/04/2018 at 00:00

Well... like my mom always said... try it before you say you don’t like it!

Lol

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
01/04/2018 at 00:17

And if dating men or women doesn’t work out, then there’s always the Plan B option... cats!

Here are my two hanging out with me on the couch...

Kinja'd!!!